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| So I put my hand in my monkey bag
and just for kicks I decided to act like I was being eaten by some venomous
monster in the bag, this of course startled sapphire. I then felt something
soft and small and my mind began to churn… faster… and faster… And faster…
until… without any warning I was sucked into a time vortex that took me back to
Wal-Mart whenever y'all bought this (I’m guessing it was Jan 25th, 2008), where
I was hovering over the baby section at the moment ya’ll walked up. Having
already talked baby onesies out as a chief possibility for a gift to give to
Paul, ya’ll where on a mission! This Idea probably found it origin in the mind
of either Sapphire or Courtney who made the initial suggestion (I’m going to
boil it down to Courtney) then Jo might have had a difference of opinion, but,
after sapphire and Courtney talked it over with her y'all knew that this was
the gift for me. Though I couldn’t tell you the particular design of the onesies
in my vision, I‘ll bet that that’s how the story went. AND THEN a sound of
hysterically laughter began to grow in the distance, and a feeling of joy began
to overtake my body, as a made my way back to reality and then, AGAIN… WOOOOOSH
I WAS SUCKED BACK INTO REALITY, and I was back in my sister’s apartment and it
was again Jan 26th 2008, and I was laughing hysterically at the thought of
picturing y’all buying this, and, the thought of the future I will have brought
me great joy!!!! Thanks guys I LOVED THE GIFTS THEY’RE PERFECT!!!! | | |
| I was sitting alone minding my own business when a big
gigantic sloth fell out of the sky onto my head!!! In that moment I said to
myself, “Why in the world am I in New
Hampshire” so I decided to ignore the whole matter
and just kept singing. After about five minuets or so of butchering a Squid
limb to limb, I decided that I would go over to that new store on the other
side of town where they have LOW LOW CARTON PRICES for super cheap. Once I
arrived at this place I looked up and there was a man crouching on top of a
bookshelf right inside the door waiting for people to walk in. As soon as a
person walked in the door, he would put a sombrero on his or her head in such a
way that resembled someone trying to catch a lizard with a Tupperware
container. After seeing and experiencing this situation for myself, and being
unusually comfortable with the situation (Even to the point that I could
actually relate relatively well to the YURICAAA {Young Urban Reptiles In Captivity
Around America Association})so I just kept on singing and then the most
wonderful thing that happened to me since I got my first bicycle HAPPENED… I
FOUND A DOLLAR ON THE GROUND! I guess that was the moment that I had my deep
revelation! As if I had just snapped out of a state of comatose, I realized
that I don’t have to walk around with a sombrero on my head! In fact I in that
very moment I decided we as citizens of this strange place should have the
freedom and RIGHT to choose weather or not we want to wear a sombreros on our
heads! So right then and there I turned and said to the man “HEY! Just because
you think your Alpha Male doesn’t make you Alpha Male!” at this point the
curious fellow climbed down from the zenith of his book shelf and looked me
square in the eyes, as if right then and there he would jab my LEFT ELBOW if I
made a wrong move! “That’s why I wear this Ronald McDonald tie!” Said He with
his nostrils flaring, eyes aglow, teeth grinding, hands clenched into fists of
vehemence, thumbs twiddling and with the hair on the back of his neck standing
rigid on his head. That’s when it dawned on me he was trying to intimidate me
with is index finger pointed directly at the pimple on my chin. At this point,
in his furious verbal and non-verbal rampage, barely able to keep his
composure, he screamed out with all the might he could muster up (as well as a
little more might thanks to the megaphone he had in the hand that wasn’t
pointing at my facial flaws) “DORK!” at this point I must admit after I had reconciled
all of the complex combinations of gestures that I had observed, and took into
consideration how gracefully he executed his insult (taking also into
consideration context of the genre of this particular conversation as to why I
would think it was graceful), I must admit that there was a sect of me that was
threatened and slightly intimidated, but the greater portion of me was resolved
and that resolution was expressed by the reciprocal comment of “I never said I
was as azzz azzzzzzzz z z z z z
z z z(then all time slowed down
when I was in the midst of this word “Was” and in this moment, no, this WINDOW
of time I had a thought. MAYBE if I said “WASN’T” I WOULD FOOL HIM! YES
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I AM THE MASTER MIND HAHAHAHAHA)I never said I WASN’T a
dork!” Ha out witted him with some backwards psychology! I DO FEEL SMART TODAY!
But no what I said was a mistake and I then realized that I had lost and there
was no reciprocal comment that could have been worse. Then at that moment with
full knowledge that he had won, that HE had the upper hand and the smarts to be
able to win such a deep and interesting argument, he began to think. He began
to ponder what I really meant when I said what I did, and weather it was really
worth it to slaughter me like a lizard under a lawnmower shaped like a
sombrero, I MEAN AFTER ALL HE DID PAY FOR THOSE SOMBREROS HIMSELF and was
GIVING them to people and not asking ANYTHING in return! But instead of
carrying the argument on any further, he started to count backwards from
10..9..8..7..6… but before he could finish he started to sing ever so softly on
the tip of his lips “Clean up, Clean up, every body do… your… Share…” Then He
Exhaled in a deep sigh and said in the most cordial tone of voice I had ever
heard to date from ANYONE “Hi my name is Steven Dilts the “Dill Tomater” what’s
your name?” and that’s how I met Steven. YOU INSPIRE ME STEVEN!!! I OWE MY LIFE TO
YOU!!!! Get better don’t laugh to hard at this joyful reminiscence in such a
way to dismember any more vertebra.
| | |
|  Happy birthday Obed !!! | | |
| 
To the Dill Tomater: Your question was and I quote, “Your doctrine is flawed! How can you exist in a place that is yet to be discovered and tell people were it is if you haven't even discovered it yet?” Oh ye of little faith! Let me reemphasize what I stated in my last entry, “a thought for YOU to mull over" the thought for ME to muse on is first of all How can YOU have existed on a planet for so long before being discovered? And how come you on Linksys don’t have long range WIFI and fiber optic internet yet? Here on the moon unknown to those on Linksys, we have had a communications system that surpasses anything that your planet has ever seen. THE HISTORY OF THE MOON: ~Under the Serface~ In our fast growth towards even better communication within the moon, it seems as though the folks in my planet within the past ten years have stumbled across a discovery that would change the moon as we knew it. A WIRELESS INTERNET CONNECTION WAS FOUND!!! On November the 19th 2003 “Linksys Router” was connected to the moon, and seeing as though we where ignorantly underground living in a bubble of dirt this new connection was first passed off as just another dated wireless modem until my uncle Richard who works in the Local Area Network Up Keep Dept. very quickly identified as “out of this moon”. What he had discovered wasn’t just a free slow speed internet connection when he decided to actually investigate it he discovered an entire planet with a culture that strived, though they dated slightly from ours, he discovered a thriving planet. What we discovered when our researchers went to work was this planet of “Linksys” had surprisingly similar yet dated forms of the same technology as we had, most importantly wireless LAN, Cable internet, and Microsoft Windows, but most importantly when the World Wide Web was finally discovered, we discovered the human race as well as the thousands of races of animals that accompany them upon their planet. With all of this happening my government decided to, with the help of some of the most advanced encryption systems created in the moon which would certainly surpasses that of the internet on this planet, release the World Wide Web to the public within my planet which birthed the “Moon and Milky way Merger” sect of the internet, in which a web address, for instance this one, would be accessed by entering in: m&mm.xanga.com/screwintheceiling. Now, thanks to the extensive research your people have compiled on Linksys (and yes we are familiar of the fact that your planet is called Earth and that we are currently orbiting you we simply refer to you as “Linksys” affectionately, but that’s beside the point) we on the moon have successfully united the moon and earth’s networks, and also we have within the past three yeas pushed our first hole up through the surface of the moon and constructed a plastic metal airlock no smaller then a dime sticking up through the dust of our fair planet. | | |
| So my aunt came on Tuesday to visit for a while, and have a spot of tea. Now I must say I did toughly enjoy my time with her, talking of what most interests either of us on our corners of the know imaginative universe, also talking about the days long past, from when I was but a brad among screws. We must have talked for roughly five hours before she left, and after she left I began to wonder how she came. Let me explain first of all where I am, so that I can clear up any spider webs that my have distorted your view upon the events that occur in this place that I call my residence. First of all let me make a point, do you see any unusually small computers upon the Diltinaitor’s roof (the speculative location of my occupancy) no not really. I am actually in a place called imagination land, which, in all truth and honesty, is extremely deep within a small PVC pipe sticking out of the moon that has yet to be discovered. Now, how screws, PVC pipes, unusually small computers, walking dressers, and their aunts have come to exist on or in the moon is quite a thought for you to mull over. As for how my aunt has come to reside with food and drink in hand and depart from my midst with nothing has almost certainly become quite a mystery to you and I both by now. But if you prefer not to think on that, then think on these thoughts: If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? Why don't sheep shrink after it rains? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? | | |
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